My Children... God's Children

This post is going to hopefully give a little more insight and closure with Elijah and Sandra (Emily). To save some repetition and time here, I will not post too much on how these two children came under my care, but more about our journey together. If you would like to read about how the Lord moved me to take in these two children, there are three blog posts you can find about that. Look under Labels on the Blog page and click on My Children. There is a 3 part series I used to tell the story of how Elijah, Sandra and I became a family. Once you've read that, if you haven't already, this post will make more sense. Thank you in advance for taking the time to seek our whole story.

I will be bouncing around a lot in this post to try and thoroughly communicate, and I hope this helps more than it confuses you.

My biggest concern throughout the three-week period in the States when I stayed to myself and realized my time in Haiti was over was not Haiti. When I realized the Lord was calling me to return to the US for the next season of my life, I knew Haiti would be fine. God has called some excellent warriors to work and serve in that country for His name's sake and He will accomplish all He wants to accomplish through them. God will call on all of His children in Haiti in His perfect timing, and not one of His children will be lost (John 6:35-40).

My biggest concern was for my children and for myself- specifically Elijah and I.

If you followed me through my blog, you may have noticed there is kind of a blank space in this journey of my little family in Haiti. I had Elijah and Sandra in my care, and about 2 months in, Sandra's mom came and took her back- leaving me with one baby, Elijah. It was never something I did bring myself to blog about. It hurt too badly and I could never type any of it out for my readers. Elijah was two months old when Sandra left us and I remember feeling like half of me had just been ripped out of my arms. I held one baby in my arms and felt a complete mix of emotions... I felt the injustice. Why would God give me these two children just to take one away? Will He take both children away? Why would Sandra and Elijah's mom ONLY want Sandra? Can I trust God in this?

A few nights later, after I dealt with what had happened, I remember holding Elijah in my arms and looking into his eyes... It was me and him. I wanted him. I loved him more than my heart could stand and I was not going to let him be taken out of my arms. I told him I wasn't leaving him and that I loved him, and I. meant. every. word. Elijah quickly became a huge driving force for me to remain in Haiti.

I want to stop here and explain another motivation for me to remain in Haiti. When I moved to Haiti in August 2011, I had committed the next year of my life to this country. Right now, if you look at the web address box at the top of your screen, you will see that the domain for this entire blog is ayeartoservehaiti. In my mind, my "year to serve Haiti" was a 10-month commitment because the school year was 10 months. So, I would be living in Haiti for a year and in my mind: 1 year = 10 months. In March 2012, the Lord began leading me to extend my year in Haiti, which I wrote about in a blog post:

"...Only God knows how long He will have me here. So... while my blog address remains ayeartoservehaiti, the meaning behind it is even more significant now. It stands as a testimony to how God has given me the desire to return along with His assurance to serve in Haiti for more than just this one year. For me personally, it will also remind me to take this journey one year at a time."

 

1) The Lord did call me to stay longer than my one year- remember in my mind, though, my 1 year equaled 10 months. I would have been leaving Haiti in June. The neat thing about all of this is that I wound up serving in Haiti for exactly one whole calendar year. I moved down to Haiti at the end of August 2011 and at the end of August 2012, everything you read in my last blog post came full circle. I realized my time in Haiti had come to a close, and the Lord truly did have me in Haiti for one year.
 

2) I knew when I wrote the blog post quoted above that I was to take this journey one year at a time. One day at a time. Step by step. THIS is where I should have stayed. THIS is the Truth I should have marinated in daily. THIS is the calling God had put on my life, and because we do not plan for tomorrow, I should have continually walked in this mindset.
Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
James 4:13-15 "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' "

Side note you may not be aware of: In order to legally remain in Haiti as a non-resident for over 90 days, you must apply for a resident permit (permis de sejour) in Haiti. Otherwise, you must leave the country every 90 days and can return shortly after. Because of this, myself and many other missionaries in Haiti would return home (Stateside) every 3 months for about a week or so, and then travel back to Haiti and renew our 90 day visitor stay. This time away from Haiti, as sad as it was to leave sometimes, was VERY good for my sanity. I honestly loved that I was able to have breaks periodically. It kept me steady and encouraged. Because I was an independent missionary on the foreign mission field, this meant there was no real form of coaching, training or counseling. THAT is why this time away was so good for me. It gave me time to somewhat "debrief" and while my brain was hard at work trying to mentally separate two EXTREMELY different cultures, being around familiarity, family and close friends every 3 months gave me the push forward that I needed to go back and continue serving.When I left the country every 90 days, Elijah remained in the care of people at the orphanage where we lived. They took very good care of him- even the volunteers who came and visited the orphanage would help care for him. I never once doubted that he was in good hands, though my arms never stopped aching to hold him. I could never thank those who cared for and loved on Elijah in my absence enough!

Back to Sandra and Elijah: As the months progressed after Sandra was taken away, March rolled around and I knew I was going to be staying in Haiti longer than the original year I had planned for. I went to tribunal (Haitian courthouse) with Elijah's mom who signed legal custody of Elijah over to me. I now had LEGAL Haitian documents stating that this child was under MY care. This meant I could go anywhere in Haiti with this child and these papers would prove I was his guardian. If his mom (Sophonie) ever came back to take him from me, I knew I could take her and these legal documents back to tribunal before the same judge and fight for Elijah. Who knows if I would have won, but I knew it gave me a better chance of fighting for him rather than just letting her rip him out of my arms, too. From this point on, my love for Elijah and my heart for his entire being is the main engine that drove me forward. I poured everything I had into this child and gave him the very best mommy that I could.

Shortly after gaining custody, I began to seriously look into adoption and what that looked like in the country of Haiti. From what I had gathered, the Haitian adoption laws would not let me adopt Elijah until I was 35, or married to someone who was 35. I would also have to register Elijah into a creche before going through the adoption process. So I began preparing to stay in Haiti for the next 12 years of my life. The school year at the orphanage would be over at the beginning of June, yet I knew God led me to plan to stay in Haiti longer AND I knew I needed to stay to care for Elijah. I didn't want to put in him an orphanage until I could adopt him, and I did not want anyone else taking care of him. I was his mommy, therefore I would be in Haiti raising him. So, to sum everything up from this point, my calling to be in Haiti WAS from the Lord, AND I had a baby to care for. In my mind, I was at complete peace about being in Haiti. The mistake I made here, however, was planning my entire life around the Haitian adoption process when I knew the Lord had purposefully led me to take this journey in Haiti one year, one month, one week, one day at a time. I began looking at adoption time and not God's time.

It was also during this time period in March that the Lord began putting a new ministry on my heart that later evolved into Immanuel Missions. During all of this craziness, I was planning a trip home to the States when school ended at the beginning of June. My 90 day period would be over, my friends Ashlee and Claudy were getting married, I needed to have a garage sale to help raise funds for me to stay in Haiti, and I needed to sell my car and put that money away to pay for my adoption of Elijah later. I would be in the US for 3 weeks in order to accomplish everything on my "To Do" list, and when I returned to Haiti, I would be moving out of the orphanage and into a guesthouse with Elijah. Come June, I did go home for 3 weeks, accomplished all that needed to be done, and returned to Haiti at the beginning of July. At this point, if you've read my previous post- Constant in the Trial and the Change... - you know the gist of how my time at the guesthouse went upon my return to Haiti. Sandra was unexpectedly returned to me and I took her back into my care after praying about doing so. I quickly began planning to adopt 2 children in Haiti, and with that came an even more dedicated long-term commitment to this country.

Fast forward to the three-week period where I returned to the US at the beginning of September 2012, very sick. I was beyond drained and purposefully set aside alone time to face all that has happened over the past year. Because of this, I have been able to sort out what I am about to tell you now.

I love my children (Elijah and Sandra) more than I could ever explain to anyone. In the beginning when I first took them in, I knew the Lord gave them to me to foster. I knew I would never adopt either of them, and I was at complete peace about it. When I first talked to people about my kids, I told them I would never adopt these kids, but that I would care for them while I was in Haiti. When Sandra was taken away, however, I attached myself to Elijah in such a big way. He became SUCH a huge part of my life and I moved forward in gaining custody of him and planning to adopt him, not remembering the original call to foster him. When Sandra came back into my life this past July, I didn't give any thought to whether I would adopt her or not. I just tacked her onto my adoption plan for Elijah and began making plans to adopt 2 kids. THIS is what made leaving Haiti so hard. When I came home sick this past September, for the first week I could not see that God was calling me home. I thought I needed time to recuperatebefore returning to Haiti to serve there for many, many years to come. Only when my circumstances and emotions were quieted through the Word and counseling could I see exactly what I had done. I took the calling the Lord put on my life, and I ran with it. God's calling for me to serve Haiti for a year, I extended to at least 12 years because I moved into an area of adoption that was not meant for me.

I sat down on my bed and went back and read the blog posts I had posted on my children back when I first took them in. What was it that God had said back then? What did I FIRST communicate to the world about Sandra and Elijah?

Here is what I read in my post about my son, Elijah-

"I knew he would be with me and I knew that I would love him the best way I knew how... This wasn't going to be a child I could just give to the baby room and I knew that.

...

I have no idea what our future holds, but I know that today the Lord loves him through me. And tomorrow, if the sun does or does not rise again, Elijah will still have my love. I am his mommy. He is my son."

This is what I read in my post about our entire little family. We were a family...

"...joined together because of God and only God. A family that would stay together because of God and only God. A family that has no clue what tomorrow or the next day will bring, but will trust, praise and serve the Lord come what may.

...

By the power of the Spirit within me I have obeyed God in taking in these two children and I will obey him again if and when He entrusts me with more. Though none of my children have a good chance of ever making it to the United States, the States is not the goal here. The goal is to love. The goal is to teach them to love- the same way Christ did. The goal is to be the light in this dark country. The goal is Jesus."

As hard as it was to admit I was wrong- KNOWING people would judge me for leaving my kids and several people would have much to say about it- the Lord made it very clear what I had done, I could not ignore it. I had to own up to it and allow Him to redirect our paths. He took me back to His original call, and it wasn't to adopt these kids. I KNEW that wasn't a part of the plan. The Lord prepared me for that when I first brought them under my care. The closest thing I could relate what I was doing to was fostering. I was fostering them. One day at a time.

Realizing I was going to have to give Elijah and Sandra up because my time in Haiti was over was the biggest sacrifice, one I never wanted to make. I spent many gut-wrenching nights crying before the Lord with the deep pain I was feeling. Knowing I would never hear Elijah say Momma, knowing I would not hear his first words, knowing I would never see him run for the first time, I would never know his favorite color or his favorite food, never help him learn his ABCs/telling time/counting/etc, or raise him any further in his life is the most pain I have ever felt. Worse than any break-up, any broken friendship, any "daddy" issues I've battled over the years... this was the worst. Giving up Elijah was the hardest thing I have ever done. He is hands-down the best baby I have ever met and known. Before he was even born, I loved him. Raising him from birth to 10 months was the biggest blessing and honor I could have ever asked for. Letting all of that go because God now has something better for me and better for Elijah was difficult to see and accept. God was moving me to be obedient in this, though, and as each day progressed, He was allowing me to lay down my Isaac. Yes, giving up Sandra was going to be a mess as well, but I had been with Elijah since the first day of his life and he had been with me this whole time. I distinctively remember praying for the Lord to speak to me about all of this and He very clearly told me that these kids were not my kids, but His children. He has plans for their lives and they would be taken care of. When I FINALLY began submitting to God's will and not my own, THAT is when I began sensing His strength.

I think I have finally completed sharing the toughest parts of this transition back from Haiti to the US. I did not share every detail with you, but you did get just about the entire story. To everyone who has prayed me through this difficult time, I cannot thank you enough. The Lord has been faithful and I cannot wait to share how He closed out my chapter in Haiti in my next blog post. I traveled back down to Haiti for a weekend a little more than a week ago. The way God orchestrated each step I took, still leaves me in awe. What seemed like a complete mess I had gotten myself into ended with much beauty. I was able to say goodbye to each and every person I desired, the kids were placed where they are supposed to be for now, and I really saw God bring closure to everything. There are many pictures to share from that weekend, and I hope you stick around to see them.

Constant in the trial and the change...

I have no doubt that this blog post will be the longest and most personal post I have published here. For me to try and make sense of all God has been doing and then try and convey His work to my readers seems almost impossible. There is so much to tell. So much has happened. So much has changed. But the Lord has given me clarity. He has allowed me to somewhat process what has happened and after many nights and days of crying out to Him from the pit of my soul, He has answered this child's prayers and has enabled me to continue in what felt like the end. Very few will understand, and while I know there may be many people who stand in opposition and possibly judgement to all I have to say here, I am willing to walk that road because God has done so much for me.
I have learned countless lessons this year and the biggest thing I have recently learned is that no one can truly understand what another person has been through. We can relate and try to "get it" but in reality, we cannot fully understand what someone has walked through. Humans are so quick to look at each others' lives from the outside and make judgements and comments, without fully understanding anything. Knowing this, the pride in me has not wanted to post this for all to read because what is written here are not just words, but my life. My heart. And once these words are typed out on this blog and reach the eyes of any and every willing reader, they can be used however people see fit. I don't want to be misundertsood. I don't want my heart to be used against me and I certainly don't want anyone questioning my character, intentions, or purpose. Baring your soul to someone is always scary and baring it on the internet puts you in an even more vulnerable spot. Through all of these fears and insecurities about others not understanding and what they might think, say or do in response to this post, the Holy Spirit has continuously pressed me to get over MYself and MY worries. This is about Him and HIS perfect understanding. Someone in this world needs to read this post and because of that, I am proceeding. 
The past year of my life has been lived in the public's eye. I am no celebrity and in NO WAY am making much of myself, so please don't infer that. What I am saying is that almost every move I made had to be relayed back to my supporters, people who prayed for me, and people who don't know me but are simply interested in my calling and life. I have definitely not shared every detail there was to share (some things on the foreign mission field can't be communicated for those back home), but for the most part, what I did and how I lived was communicated to thousands on Facebook, hundreds through this blog, and countless others through word of mouth, prayer groups, etc.
Many of you reading this post now have stuck with me every step of the way. You have cheered me on from American soil, laughed and cried with me from your computer screen, read most (if not all) of my blog posts, and have prayed for me daily/weekly. You have witnessed all God has done, and even when I wasn't as thorough as I should have been in my communication, you stuck with me because you love me and believed in what God had called me to do. From the bottom of my heart and soul, I thank you. I thank you for praying me on. I thank you for letting me into your life. I thank you for strengthening me through your encouragement and support. I thank you for being a real family to me.
Others of you heard about my life in Haiti and came across my journey a little later. You may not have kept up with every move I made, but you kept up as you could and cheered me on as I crossed your mind. You were interested in what God was accomplishing through me and maybe "checked up" on me every now and then. Thank you, also, from the bottom of my heart. I could not be more grateful for your love and support as well.
And I know there are a few people who stumbled across this blog and don't know me from Adam. You left comments here and there on some of my blog posts and, even as complete strangers, I thank you for being a part of this past year, too.
There may be others whose situations are different. I don't know and never will know all who has followed my journey in Haiti, but to everyone reading this now... I pray that this entire blog brings you face to face with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I pray you see our God, who is huge, at work in a small person like me. He is the Creator of all things. He is a God who formed all nations, peoples, tribes and tongues, and yet is so intricately involved in even the smallest details of our lives. A God who loves us in a way our human minds cannot comprehend. A God who has a plan for the world and is victorious in His glory and power. God Himself, who has a plan for your life. Who equips those He calls for each assignment and task laid before us. A God who uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things. A God who completes each work He begins in us. A God who never changes- our Friend, Healer, Comforter and Father.
I pray this blog stands as a testimony to what God can do in and through a sinner seeking to serve Him. 
For the past three weeks I have purposely secluded myself from the public's eye. What I have been walking through has been the most difficult season I have walked through yet, and I did not want to be swayed or confused in any way. I wanted to hear from God Himself and I desired to be sensitive to what He was doing. I sought the Lord and cried out to Him. On my knees, I begged for His direction. I sought counsel from very few people whom I trusted. I stayed in the Word. I breathed deeply and sorted out what were simply my own emotions, what were my own thoughts, and what the Holy Spirit was speaking. My thoughts and feelings were deafening and blinding. I couldn't see past my own plans and emotions, but I wanted the Spirit inside of me to speak louder than my own voice. I wanted to understand what had happened, how I got to this particular point, and I wanted to know when it all started.
What is it that I was walking through, though, and how did I come to this point?
In one of my last few posts on here, I wrote about a new non-profit some friends and I started called Immanuel Missions. My heart was fully behind it and believed in the type of ministry we were going to take part in. Because my teammates were going to be Stateside all summer, I had to move from the orphanage into a guesthouse up the mountain in Haiti. I had planned on taking Elijah with me and we were going to spend the whole month and a half we would be there bonding, studying the Bible, and preparing for our new chapter with Immanuel Missions. Upon the completion of the school year at the orphanage, I went to the US for 3 weeks and when I got back to Haiti, my plan was to go to the orphanage for two days, pack my things, and then move to the guesthouse with Elijah. The day I came back to Haiti from my 3 week stay in the US, however, Sandra (who was in my care for two months before her mom came and took her back) showed up at the orphanage. I hadn't seen her in 5 months and it was a complete surprise when I saw her walking through the gate. Sophonie (Elijah and Sandra's mom) said she was giving Sandra back to me. I did not immediately take Sandra back into my care and moved forward with my original plans of packing and getting to the guesthouse. After three days of being up the mountain with Elijah and praying about taking Sandra back in, I felt strongly led to do so. I met Sophonie and Sandra at the orphanage, went to tribunal and got custody papers completed, and brought Sandra up the mountain with me. It took a few days of adjusting, but the three of us got reacquainted as a family pretty quickly. I was now planning on adopting 2 children in Haiti, but would have to wait at least 10 years before I could move forward in attempting to do that because of the Haitian adoption laws.
While we were in a safe and beautiful environment in Haiti during this time, survival quickly became the goal. The first week with both kids was a huge struggle. I did not have enough funds to pay for transportation to get to a grocery store or a Western Union to have more money wired to me and our food supply was non-existent. The guesthouse provided complimentary breakfast each morning and I found myself having to use this one meal for Sandra's breakfast and lunch. Elijah was set with formula, food, and snacks because I had brought all of that back with me from the States. He was well-fed and happy. The struggle was getting and keeping drinking water stocked. I found myself grabbing random containers and asking the guesthouse to fill them with their purified water for us, and making sure Sandra was getting her three meals a day- snacks were only a plus. The guesthouse would make supper for me in the evening for a cheap price, so I took advantage of this every now and then, knowing the expense on my tab was adding up quickly. I would let Sandra eat what she wanted of the meal and would finish whatever was left. I had brought beef jerky and Welch's fruit snacks with me to the guesthouse and would eat this to fill my hunger pangs when necessary. I had never been so hungry in my entire life, but I was not going to let my child starve. My friend Rhyan lived a good hike down the road at GLA. There were many nights she shared her own dinner with Sandra and I, and I will forever be grateful to her for that.
Two weeks after this type of living, Rhyan connected me with a free ride to the grocery store. What money I did have left was spent on food for Sandra and me. We didn't have much, but I learned very quickly that we were going to be okay because God had always provided for us. While I was now getting one, sometimes two meals a day, Sandra had 3 meals plus snacks. I was so thankful both of my kids were getting the meals they needed, plus vitamins.
While meals were easier and drinking water was in supply, I was unbelievably lonely. I loved my kids so much and was happy to care for and invest in them, but I was aching for intimate fellowship, rest, and other warm bodies. I would visit Rhyan at GLA when someone from there could provide a ride for us to and from the guest house, but those times were few because the GLA staff had their own jobs and lives to tend to. Life went on like this pretty much the whole time I was at the guesthouse. I was okay with it because I knew my Immanuel Missions team would be in Haiti soon, so I mustered enough "big girl" courage to stick it out, take it one day at a time, and I called home weeping more than I'd care to admit- though I never fully communicated the situation I was in.
When I had about 3 weeks left before leaving the guesthouse to move into the Immanuel Missions house with my soon-to-arrive team, my friend, Ayla, came to live at the guesthouse with her little Haitian brother, Amasiah. She has been caring for him in Haiti while working on getting him a medical visa to the States. I was so thankful to have a person there with me and we spent a lot of time together. The three kids (Elijah, Sandra and Amasiah) all played together and our days were spent hanging out with them and watching movies on Ayla's laptop. I didn't realize it at the time, but I became very clingy to Ayla, which she handled like a champ. I spent as much time as I could with her and soaked up her company.
The very same day I was leaving the guesthouse to stay with my friend's Ashlee and Claudy for two days before moving into Immanuel Mission's house, I woke up with a horrible rash all over the top part of my body. My legs, though rash free, felt like tiny ants were crawling on them. I kept looking down to wipe them off, but never saw anything. I had a headache over the past several days and it was even worse this particular morning. Sharp pains kept shooting through my stomach, but I just thought I had eaten something bad. I packed up everything and got myself and the kids ready. I was super nauseous and struggled with motion sickness the whole way down the mountain. We went to eat lunch at Dominos and I ate what I could, but just felt "icky." We got to Ashlee and Claudy's house late that afternoon. I spent the evening hanging with them and other friends. I bathed the kids and my back was killing me afterwards. Around 8:00pm, I developed a fever. It was a low-grade fever, so I took some Tylenol and went to bed. I woke up two hours later with a high fever and horrible body aches. It kept me up the rest of the night. My fever would sky rocket to 103 degrees and then drop a little bit later. My body ached so much that even the sheets hurt me. The next morning, I drank two huge cups of water and immediately took Ibuprofin. The rest of the day I was okay, though the rash looked a little worse. That night, it was the same story- fever and body aches. I got our stuff packed up and told Ashlee I needed to go see a doctor. She took me to our friend Teresa (the same American PA that saw me when I had the mumps) who examined me and asked me my symptoms. Almost immediately she told me she thought it was Dengue fever. She told me that when she had it, she had horrible pain behind the eyes and was in bed for 2 weeks. I was having pain behind my eyes, but I just thought I needed a stronger prescription for my glasses. All of my symptoms suddenly made so much sense. She told me to rest, stay well-hydrated, alternate Ibuprofen and Tylenol, and come back on Monday to have blood work done. In my mind, I knew resting would not be an option because of the moving and the demand of caring for two children by myself. The rest of the day, hard as it was, was spent moving everything into the Immanuel Missions house. I could feel myself wearing down, not only from the sickness, but from life over the past month and half. But there was no time to process anything that was happening and I was struggling to care for these two children the way I knew they deserved. By the time I had them fed and cleaned, I was wiped. The fact that I had been unable to unpack my belongings meant that I had to dig through piles of suitcases in my room to find even the smallest things. I wanted help SO BADLY, but didn't have it in me to ask my team members because they had their own things they wanted to accomplish. The last thing I wanted to do was set them back. I could feel myself sinking into what I felt for sure would be a total mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional breakdown if something did not change soon. And while I was now surrounded by people, I felt even more alone because no one really knew what state I was in, including myself. Was I sinking into depression? I just could not help but look around and be so disappointed in what I was doing. This is it? Is this what I am going to spend the next ten years of my life doing, raising these kids alone and waiting until I was legally old enough to adopt them? But I love Haiti. And I have been called here. And these struggles are part of it. This is the part of denying myself for the sake of others. Still, though... where was the joy? Where was my passion for being here? I seriously needed some relief. And I knew that I was about to go crazy if I did not get it soon.
Monday morning came, and I went to the clinic to have my blood work done. Although the clinic I was at did not have the actual Dengue test, through a negative malaria test, another thorough physical examination, and review of my symptoms, Teresa inferred that it was, in fact, Dengue fever. From the clinic, I went back to the house and asked my friends if on Tuesday morning, they would watch the children so I could go to Claudy and Ashlee's house alone to rest. They said that would be fine, but they needed to leave again on Wednesday to purchase a generator and run other errands. That was fine with me. I just really needed some time away.
On Tuesday morning, I went to Ashlee's, sat down on their couch, and took a good morning nap. I woke up and all I could think about was going home to the States to rest. I messaged my sister to see what she thought and we weighed the pros and cons for a good thirty minutes. After consulting a few others and reviewing my funds, it was decided that I would come to the States for a week to a week and a half in order to get well. The next day, I was on a flight back to the US.
From this point on, for about five days, everything is very foggy for me. What I do remember is crying my way through all three airports it took to get me to Jackson, weeping on my sister and brother in law when I saw them in the airport, a miserable and empty drive to Hattiesburg, a hot and fast shower at 2am, and crashing into my bed. The next morning, I woke up in complete culture shock. The air conditioning was overwhelming. The fact that I had cold, clean water to drink at my fingertips, plenty of food choices- though I wasn't even hungry- and a Christian radio station playing in the background was so different than what I had been experiencing. The few days after that, everything was hard. Thinking for myself was hard. I couldn't make a decision on anything, including what I wanted to eat. It felt as though I couldn't function. I forced my stomach to accept three meals a day. It was all my sister could do to care for me the best way she knew how while see me in this state, not fully understanding what I had been through, and not really knowing what was going on inside of me. I knew there was something more going on than just the Dengue fever and I knew that I had to seek counseling.
Little did I know the Lord was about to start speaking to directly to me through multiple individuals.
Over the next two weeks, while my family supported me fully but were careful to not share their opinions and allow their emotions to sway me, I met with several Godly people whose counseling I knew I could trust. These people selflessly spent hours listening to the burdens of my heart, helping me assess all that has happened and was happening, and pouring Spiritual wisdom into me. It was in these sessions that I began to realize that this was more than just sickness. This was more than just exhaustion. This was more than just needing a break or being homesick. This was more than spiritual warfare. This was, in fact, God completely stripping me of any and every plan I had set for myself in Haiti. He was calling me back to the US and releasing me from the expectations I had put on myself. In order for this to be clear for me, however, they encouraged me to constantly stay in God's word and to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading.
THIS is what I was walking through during the three week period where I secluded myself from the public's eye. THIS is why it was important for me to not open myself to the thoughts and opinions of others, and THIS is what I wanted the Lord to make clear to me. Was He in fact calling me back to the states? If He was, could I be obedient in that knowing it would mean giving up my kids?
I knew what my heart was saying... it was saying to go back to Haiti. Be with my people. Be with my children. Finish out what I started.
I knew what the mother in me was saying, "Are you crazy?? You are NOT leaving your kids. What will happen to them? Get back to them and take care of them. You love them and they need you. They are YOURS. Go. Now."
I knew what my head was saying, "What?? You are a missionary to Haiti. If you come back, you will be a failure. You will have abandoned Elijah and Emily, and you would not have fulfilled the call on your life to serve the Haitians."

It was overwhelming. What I wanted more than anything was for the Lord to speak clearly. For Him to show Himself faithful and will me to be obedient. What I needed was for Him to prove He would take care of my kids if I did come back. I needed Him to work everything out, because this seemed like the end of the world to me. The last thing on the map for me was ever moving back to the US. Maybe once my adoptions were through I would come back for a year or two with my kids, but I had dedicated my life to serving the Haitian people. This did not make any sense at all. I wanted to hear God speak and I did not want to hear opinions from people who didn't have a clue what was happening. So I stayed as close to home as I could and sought the Lord with all my heart. As I was seeking, I reflected on my call to Haiti. What was it that brought me there? What is it that kept me there? What made me think I was going to be there for the next 10 years? What were the expectations for me? Who placed those expectations on me? I needed to answer these questions and I needed a Holy clarity in this mess that could only come from God Himself. And He provided all of the above. The only way I can really describe the way He responded to me was like a warrior stopping at nothing to save his beloved. He came to my rescue and pulled me out of the garbage disposal. He honored my prayers and searching. He filled my soul with answers and empowered me to move forward in obedience. There is no way I could have done any of this on my own. He did it. What looked like a disastrous mess I had gotten myself into was really the Lord thwarting my plans and proving His sovereignty above all else.
During all of this seeking and hurting and searching and finding and praising, I began eating three meals a day again. I started taking vitamin supplements, drinking lots of water and milk, and rested as I could. I soaked up true sister and brotherly fellowship. I attended church service again with community worship and sound doctrine. As each day passed, I could literally feel the Lord strengthening me and ministering to my very being. And as the Lord began speaking, my joy came back. As hard as this season was and as difficult as I knew this decision to leave Haiti was going to be, I had peace and assurance. I knew the Lord had made it clear to me, and because of this, I knew He would work out all of the details.He stripped me of everything including my health so that He could speak to me in a way that I would listen. I wondered why I couldn't have just been laying in my bed in Haiti and the Lord have prompted me to come home. Why did it take all of this? Why drain me of everything I thought I needed in order to redirect my path? Because I am stubborn, that's why. Because I had claimed Haiti for the rest of my life based on the adoption laws and nothing God had said. Because I said I was going to take care of my two kids and that is what I was going to do. I knew it was the Lord that led me to take in these children. And in the beginning, I knew it was simply to foster them during my time in Haiti. As I grew attached and allowed other circumstances to creep in, however, I moved into an area of adoption that I was never supposed to venture into. Suddenly it was the adoption process that was moving me to stay in Haiti. Not the Lord. Not my calling. Not even the Haitian people, but my kids and my desire to adopt them.
There is more to share and all of it cannot be relayed here in this one blog post. There will be two more following this one. One will be about Elijah and Emily, and the other will be about my last trip down to Haiti this past weekend- complete with pictures.
What I want to do now is share several things with you that God used to speak to me during this time. There are so many more than these, but I obviously can't share all of them.

Before I knew God was calling me home, Philippians 2:13 is what I clung to. If I was going to be called to return to Haiti, it was going to be the Lord in me to help me obey in doing that. I was worn out from Haiti and even my kids, and the thought of returning was difficult, though it is what I wanted to do. God would have to will me to do it. And His purpose in that would be good.
If I was being called back to the States, it was going to take an act of God and it would have to be Him in me that willed me to obey. What is there for me to do here in the US? If I come back, I will have nothing to my name. No kids. No money. No job. Few friends. Almost nothing. I would be starting all over, again. I would have to adapt to a new culture, again. If this was the Lord's will, it would have to be Him in me that allowed me to walk in obedience. And His purpose in that would be good.
"... for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Phil 2:13

When God did make it clear to me that He was moving me to return to the States after my year of serving Haiti, I was scared to death. I knew it would require faith and action. I had begun a study called "Experiencing God" during this time. In that study, it talks about the 7 realities of experiencing God. Day 5 of the study is what really stuck out to me once I knew what I was to do. It was walking me through Moses' call and ministry:
Reality 4- God spoke to reveal Himself, His purposes, and His ways. God told Moses He was going to rescue the Israelites from the hand of the Egyptians.
Reality 5- God's invitation for Moses to work with Him led to a crisis of belief that required faith and action. When God told Moses He was going to use him to rescue the Israelites, Moses had a crisis of belief when he asked the Lord who he was to go and complete such a task. What if they didn't believe God had sent him. He told the Lord to send someone else.
Reality 6- Moses had to make major adjustments in his life to join God in what He was doing. Moses' obedience was based on faith alone, despite his doubt and fear. He had to make major adjustments in his life to complete each task the Lord had asked him to do.
Reality 7-  Moses came to know God by experience as he obeyed God, and God accomplished his work through Moses. As Moses obeyed God, God accomplished through Moses what Moses could not do in his own strength. God completed the work he wanted done through Moses because Moses was obedient.   
Day 5 could not have been more dead on with what I was experiencing. I saw myself in Moses because of his doubt in the beginning of not only his capability to complete the task the Lord had placed in front of him, but also his request for the Lord to ask someone else to do it. He had to walk by faith in order to obey and his obedience required action- the same way that my obedience in coming home would require action. Moses then had to make major adjustments in order to follow God's plans for him. Coming home from Haiti would require seriously major adjustments, much like moving to Haiti in the beginning required major adjustments. In the end, the Lord was able to accomplish His work through Moses... and I want more than anything for God to accomplish His work through me.

In all of this I was so worried about what I would look like to people. I thought I would look fickle. Whimsical. Weak. A failure missionary. A failure parent who abandoned her kids. A liar. Crazy. Confused. While I still recognize people may think these things, this is the scripture the Lord kept bringing to my mind- "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10
This is not about anyone else, or even myself. It is about God and His ultimate will He is accomplishing on the earth. He has shown me the way I should walk in and ensured me that MY kids are not MY kids, but His kids and that they would be taken care of. Who cares what I look like? If I am following God, that is all that matters. "Who cares? We are led by the Spirit!" -Michael Wilkinson

"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?" -Jer 17:9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord" -Isaiah 55:8

"The Lord foils the plans of the nations; he thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." -Prov 33:10-11

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." -Prov 16:9

At one point, someone who had heard what was happening told me I was passionate about Haiti and that they believed in my calling to be there and that I should return after I rested. My brother-in-law looked at me and said, "Laura, you are passionate about following the will of God and the Holy Spirit's guidance- not Haiti." And this could not be more true. I was passionate about Haiti because the Lord called me to be there. I was passionate about my kids because the Lord moved me to take them in for a time. I will be passionate about whatever is next because of God and God alone.

If you made it to the end of this blog post, I want to thank you. Please pray for me as I rest and seek what is next during this season.
Stay tuned for the next post.

 

Elijah Michael

I just really wanted to post an update on my little family, and this post is to update you on my little man, Elijah Michael. 

If you do not know our history, there is a blog post about him and his sister and how we all became a family. It can be found here on my blog under the Label "My Children."

Elijah has been with me since the day he was born (Novemeber 13, 2011) and it has been an absolute JOY mothering this beautiful baby. He is nine months old now and growing so fast. He is such a happy child, and not a day goes by that I do not thank God for blessing me with him. It has been an awesome adventure and God has taught me so much through this little gift.

Elijah is a super crawler these days and has even started walking!! He hasn't fully taken off just yet, but he freely "lets go" on his own and then takes one, two and sometimes even THREE steps flying solo!!

Just the other day he grabbed my pants leg, pulled himself up, and walked behind me smiling the whole way! Soon and very soon I will be chasing after this little guy as he will be running around!

He claps in response to "Yaaayyyyy!!" and LOVES being tickled. He is most definitely a momma's boy, not that he has much of a choice in being a daddy's boy yet, and he blabs and "talks" almost all the time. He is in no way a quiet or meek child. 

Elijah is one of the most animated children I have ever met, and his faces never cease to make me laugh! He LOVES eating and is very good about eating anything and everything I give him- which makes me happy because getting him to eat his fruits and vegetables is a piece of cake!

He loves his sister, Sandra (now called Emily... my post about her will follow this one) and I am so thankful they have each other to play and grow together.

Elijah plays well with other babies and children, also, and is as easy-going as they come. 

He loves being sung and read to, and responds when someone calls his name. 

He also REALLY enjoys dance parties ;) 

I finally figured out how to manage his hair, too, which I am SUPER proud of!!

He has started mocking sounds other people make, but has only said "Momma" 5 specific times. Our attempt at getting him to say Momma usually goes like this:

Me- Elijah... say Momma. Momma. Mooooommmmaaaa.

Elijah- Dada.

Me- Momma.

Elijah- Dada

Oh, well. He'll get it one day.

Like a true Mom, the more I watch my son grow, the more I am amazed. I am not the Mom that wishes he would stay little forever, though I totally enjoy holding him as a baby. I get excited when I watch him grow and it makes me happy to know we have made it this far. I look forward to doing life with this little person and cannot wait to watch God's plans for Elijah continue to unfold.

As for adoption, I do plan on adopting him and his sister in the future. I am hopeful that it will happen. 

I sold my car in the United States and the money collected from it has been put away to pay for my adoptions in the future. Until that time comes, however, our family's home is in Haiti. I will be here taking care of my kids and we will minister to the Haitians as the Lord sees fit.

I have been and will continue taking monthly pictures of Elijah, and will post them here for you to see on his 1st birthday.

It is insane seeing how much he has changed! He has grown "outwardly" for the longest time and has been a little chunky monkey for most of his life. It is neat to watch him grow taller now and though that means he needs new clothes, it also means he is healthy and progressing :)

My sister and brother-in law came down to Haiti this past March and were able to meet Elijah. While I hope the rest of my family meets him, sooner than later, he does get to see them through pictures and posts on Facebook. He will know his Mawmaw and Pawpaw, Nana and Poppa, Aunts, Uncles and cousins, even if it is through pictures and social media. 

Thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for our family. I hope you continue praying for us as we embark on new adventures with Immanuel Missions.

We will keep you updated as time goes on.
Enjoy the jumbled mess of photos below!

                              

Immanuel Missions

Let's just dive on in to what the title of this blog post means.
Immanuel Missions is the name of the new non-profit organization we are starting here in Haiti. When I say "we" I am referring to myself and three other friends- Brett, Chris and Jordan.
This is so random and out-of-nowhere, right? (Rando commando... that one is for you Justin- shout out!)
Well, throughout the past 10 months of my life in Haiti I have really been trying to assess the work being done in the country. Like I said, I have been here for 10 months, which means I am not incredibly experienced in the country. I have been in one city living and working inside 4 security walls- which is necessary in the orphanage I am in now, but it limits the amount of experience one can really gain by living in Haiti. So, I am probably too inexperienced to be explainng any of this to you, but I am moving forward in doing just that because I believe God has spoken and given a vision.
For the time I have lived in Haiti and the few places and cities I have been... the same question has been asked over and over again in my mind- "HOW are we HELPING Haiti?"
There are nearly a million organizations in Haiti (exaggerating here) and there always seem to be new ones popping up (ironic, I know). Many are faith-based, and many are humanitarian. All claim to be helping Haiti.
There are nearly a million volunteers coming to visit Haiti (not exaggerating here) on weekly trips. All claim to be making a difference in this country. They even wear the t-shirts to prove it ;)
Haiti has become quite the popular travel-to country in the last few years. People are constantly in and out, volunteering at orphanages, building and rebuilding houses, completing construction projects, giving MUCH needed medical attention, sponsoring children, donating food and other items, planting churches, teaching English, adopting children out of the country, and the list continues. These short-term volunteers ARE needed and they help the established organizations accomplish their goals. I was on several of these short-term trips before moving to Haiti and you never know what God will do through these trips.
The problem I see here, however, is that many of the Haitian people are being physically helped by the volunteers traveling in and out of the country, but how are deep-rooted, consistent relationships forming from that? When a Haitian sees a foreigner, they immediately think "give me" because that's what we do... we give.
More and more long-term people are moving here to start medical clinics, build schools, plant churches, start orphanages, and this list goes on as well. These are all (for the most part) thought to be started with good intentions. But are the people starting these (we'll call them "ministries")  ministries being done in a way that will aid Haiti longterm? Are the new ministries knowledgeable of the country enough to REALLY address and battle the needs of the people while helping, not hurting them? And what are the REAL needs of the people?
All of the above begs the question... is Haiti truly being helped? Are we TRULY making a difference in this country?
To not sound naggy and negative here, I must comment that there ARE organizations making a difference. In fact, I can name you 6 organizations off the top of my head that I am convinced are REALLY making a difference in and for Haiti:

My Life Speaks

Real Hope for Haiti

Heartline Ministries

Respire Haiti

God's Littlest Angels

Reach Global

There are more, but these are the ones I personally feel confident enough to mention here. All have websites. All have blogs. Look them up!!

Okay, so now that I've said all of that, here is where Immanuel Missions comes into play.

Our vision for this ministry focuses on being with the Haitian people- Haitian people of ALL ages. REALLY being with them. Building relationships with them. Doing life with them. Living amongst them. Empowering them. Showing them Jesus Christ through our lives. Pointing them to the only healer of all our brokeness. Making disciples. Helping them help themselves. Teaching them about Jesus. Teaching them to live as Christ lived, with God and only God in mind.

We desire real, intentional relationships with the Haitians. Meeting them where they are. Learning from them, and teaching them.

We believe God has moved us to begin this organization in order to serve the people in our surrounding community, focus on helping families stay together, and teach God's word to a dying nation. What we believe Haiti needs more than anything is neighbors. This will involve meeting their physical needs, but we want to really zero in on how to meet their spiritual needs through relationships.

Immanuel Missions' house is located in a village in Mariani. Our contract move-in date is September 1, 2012. We have met many of our soon-to-be neighbors and are super excited about what is to come! We want to spend the first part of our time in our new community meeting the people, learning their names/families/homes, assessing what is needing to be done in order to help them without hurting them, and learning how they do life. From there, we would like to set several goals for Immanuel Ministries to strive to meet in the areas we feel we can be most effective. As you all know, there are about a million areas to do work here in Haiti.
This is not going to be an easy task. I know much of this post sounds upbeat and optimistic, and that's because it is, but please be aware that this is going to be one of the hardest, most dying-to-self, most dedicated tasks we've ever been a part of. It will require SO much of us, and it is going to be extremely trying and stretching. BUT... we believe and even know God has gone before us and has paved the way for this to happen.
We have started the lengthy non-profit process, and will be incorporated in the next two weeks. That is when we will officially begin telling everyone about our organization in hopes of gaining awareness and support! NONE of this will be possible without support!
PLEASE be praying for these doors the Lord has opened. Pray for us as we solidify board members, budgets, contacts, fundraisers, etc. Pray for God and God alone to be glorified and that we would all continue seeking Him and His will above all else.
There is so much more to tell and share, but because it is 1:48am I am going to end here and go to bed. God is SO good and has already met some needs of our organization!! I had no idea this was in store, and what an AMAZING opportunity He has given us. Get ready for one awesome, life-changing journey :)

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,       and provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations."

Isaiah 61:1-4

Amen! Amen! Amen!

I love you, Mom.

When I think about you, there is more that comes to my mind and heart than just your face. I remember your scent. Your voice. Your smile. Your laughter. The way your fingers tap the steering wheel to the beat of the radio when driving down the road. Your cough that I could recognize even if you were on the other side of the grocery store. Your home cooked meals that you spend hours and even days preparing for your family members. Your selflessness. The fact that you CANNOT get a pedicure without laughing to the point of tears because your feet are so ticklish. The way you begin Christmas shopping for your family and employees ahead of time and even have an organized system for getting all of the gifts wrapped and stacked into their separate piles for the different gatherings and celebrations. The way you take part in some of Dad's hobbies for no other reason than just because you love him. Your Kleenex packets/boxes you always need nearby because you are tenderhearted and can offer up tears of happiness or sorrow at any given point for your friends and even complete strangers. Your love for your children and grandchildren. The dedication you have for your job, coworkers and employees. The fact that you are really funny and enjoy having a good time. The way you help Dad mow the grass (you know... he takes the back yard and you take the front...). Your slippers that you love so much. How insanely fast you are at using a calculator and how good you are at working with any form of numbers. The way you send me email updates on some of our favorite shows because I don't have cable here in Haiti to watch them. The way you love shopping with us just to have a girl's day. How your side cramps up really bad when you laugh really hard sometimes- then you have to stretch it out, which makes us laugh even more. The way you still talk about Jason when he was a little boy and how y'all would take naps for hours before Emily was born.  The way you always sneakily throw in how your feet are so sore in hopes for a really awesome foot massage from me ;) The way you ALWAYS have milk and oreos and creme brule creamer stocked for me when I come home for a visit.

I love you, Mom.

Even still... more than those thoughts cross my mind when I think of you.
You were surprised when you found out you were pregnant with me. Tough times were happening and even more were ahead during your pregnancy with me, and adding another baby to the mix was going to pile more on your already overloaded plate. Yet, your love and dedication allowed you to persevere and keep going. The Lord surrounded you with great friends and even better parents (Pawpaw and Mawmaw of course) to get us through. You were and are so strong. Unbelievably strong. I always have been and always will be inspired by your strength. The strength of any mother is indeed impressive. The strength of MY mother, you, is even more mind boggling. Sometimes when I am struggling to get through the day, I think of you and am encouraged to keep going. I have always seen you keep going. Even when you were/are tired, alone, scared, frustrated or misunderstood. I love that about you.

I love you, Mom.

When I think of you, I remember how you were and are ALWAYS there for me. You and Dad were at EVERY football/basketball game I cheered at. Every show choir performance. Every fundraiser. Every JE Ball.  Any and every school/church/anyotherclubororganizationIwasinvolvedin related performances and gatherings. You came and visited me throughout college and always showed your support through phone calls if you couldn't physically be there.

I love you, Mom.

Every heart break of mine from a friend or a boy or a complete stranger was felt by you also. Anytime I needed to talk, you were and still are not only willing to listen but are even interested in what I have to say. You understand me better than I understand myself many times, and even when you don't quite understand me, you support me. You correct me and encourage me when I am wrong, and are ready to applaud me when I am right.

I love you, Mom.

You don't have to tell me you love me, though you do so many times and I am so grateful for that, because you SHOW me in tons of ways. I have never doubted your love. Never questioned it. Not once.

I love you, Mom.

Your hugs are the best hugs in the entire world. Your sweet kisses on the cheek before bedtime ALWAYS bring the little girl out in me. You still let me sit on your lap too, which is pretty cool if I do say so myself.
You have always done anything and everything you could to make sure I had (all of us had) what I not only needed, but wanted. You and Dad have always given so much for your children and there is no way that could go unseen. Even when money was scarce, I still remember how you would try your best to get what was needed and wanted. Thank you for that.

I love you, Mom.

Now that I am a Mom myself, I see your love for me more clearly and I love you so much deeper than I thought was possible. I sometimes cry holding Elijah knowing that you once did this with me. 

I love you, Mom.

Your love was and still is the most sacrificial love of all- the most dedicated earthly love I have ever known. You have shown me how to love and love deeply. I pray my children see the love in me that I saw and still see in you.

I love you, Mom.

There is so much more I want to say. But let me end with this... I love you so much. You have completed me in so many ways throughout the years. Thank you for being my Mom. I would not have it any other way. 

Happy Mother's Day!

I love you, Mom.

I wish I could tell you...

I wish I could tell you right now that I am happy to be in Haiti. That my life is complete and that I have found my calling. That being a mommy is the best and that I don't get tired of my child who I sometimes feel requires too much of me. That I didn't spend 30 minutes in the shower this evening crying my eyes out frustrated at God for calling me to be here (the water wasn't running the whole time...btw). That I didn't spend another ten minutes after that crying in Creole to two of our Madams here. That the people I live and work with feel like family and this place feels like home. That I am a great teacher and I know exactly what I am doing. That I don't want to pack up and head back to the states for the last time, get a real teaching job and be in driving distance to anything and anyone I love and enjoy. That I am a great missionary full of complete compassion for the people group I am serving. That I have the patience and grace of Mother Teresa and the endurance and dedication of Katie Davis. That when my Mom tells me to "just come home" I don't think twice about it. That keeping up with and organizing Americans' trips to OLTCH doesn't stress me out a little bit. That I don't look at my son, Elijah, and become scared thinking I may be a single mother raising him for the rest of his life. That when someone asks me if he is really mine I don't want to grab their throat (for emphasis of course) and ask them do they feel like their child/ren is really theirs? That my room is not covered in wet laundry because it is rainy season and my clean clothes won't dry anywhere else. That I like living with moths, ants, roaches, flies and some other strange bug that has suddenly made its appearance in the past few days. That I am not tired of living in dirt and mud. That I don't get sick of showering in cold water. That I can keep my razor and shower stuff in the shower because no one else in the orphanage will use it. That I enjoy getting stomach bugs every other month. That I am not selfish and full of insecurities. That I can travel to the states again in June and actually bring my child with me. That my attempt at even doing this by applying for his passport and visa is encouraged and smiled upon instead of laughed at like God could never make that happen. That my daughter, Sandra, is home with me instead of wherever her birth mom has her on this rainy night. That I am not terrified of the thought of having two small children again on my own if Sophonie ever does honestly decide to bring Sandra back to me. That I don't think quite often what it would be like to just sit and talk to my family anytime I or they want. That I don't compare myself to other missionaries. That I always see God's hand in all that is happening here. That I even always look for His hand in all that is happening here. That I don't wish a therapist or counselor would move to the same compound as me and give me free sessions (I will most definitely take up any offers of that, however). That I enjoy typing all of these personal thoughts here on my blog for all to read.
I wish I could say all of these things, but I can't. I wish more than anything that I could type this blog post and have it be filled with encouraging words and some wonderful event that has happened in Haiti for every reader whose eyes meet this.
What I am perfectly content with, however, is being real. And here... what you read is what you get. I could say all of the perfect words and use the perfect scripture to draw tears and smiles to encourage. But I won't. Not in this post. Because, friend... I need the encouragement right now. And I won't pretend or type like I don't.

Remind me of Your holiness.

Remind me why I'm here.

Remind me of Your tenderness.

Remind me to never fear.

Remind me of the bigger picture.

Remind me of those You love.

Remind me of Your thoughts and Your view from above.

Let me lie at Your feet, naked and unashamed.

Let me bathe in Your presence, and cry at the sound of Your name.

Keep me where You are, I never want to stray.

Keep me in Your arms until my dying day.

May I then walk in Your presence, perfect and complete

Singing Your praises forever.

Face to face- that I seek.

"Blessed"

"If you could sum up life in one word, Mawmaw, what would it be?"

Mawmaw and I were on another late drive home from the hospital. The past two months of life were building up in my throat. I felt as though the lump was going to choke me. Either that or I would start crying and never be able to stop.

"Well, Laura... let's see..."

-a good three minute pause-

In those three minutes I could hear my thoughts loudly. They were begging her to say something. Something that would brighten this dreary being. Renew the joy that I knew was inside of me somewhere. Tell me SOMETHING that will let me breathe! Give me one word that will give hope to this 24 year old now mother of one who is confused by two cultures- the one I live in (Haiti) and the one I have been in the past two weeks (USA)- and living in such a cursed world. Come on, Mawmaw! Something!
My thoughts were full of terror. I was so scared of her saying something that would only prove my opinion on life here and now. If she were to ask me the same question given to her, I would have said a word closely related to the following:

unsatisfactory

heavy

disappointing

My explanation? Life is so burdensome. What we thought it would be, what we think it should be or even could be... just isn't what it is. People disappoint. Expectations are never met, as much as I try to tell myself I don't have expectations. Friendships come and go- even the friends you thought you'd never lose. Death is always having its way in any and every way it so desires. Sickness is rampant. Poverty has taken its toll. Wealth has distracted. Love is... conditional. And the more I communicate with people and see how they act and react to situations and other people, I now thoroughly understand that ALL people are hurt, wounded, scarred, insecure, imperfect individuals trying to make something of themselves. Trying to prove themselves and their self worth to someone or something.
Trying to fill voids that we were never meant to have with:

the next best fashion/style

the next best mission trip

the next best baby

the next best relationship/marriage

the next best iPad/laptop/camera

the next best job/position

the next best body/tan/skin

the next best educated child/ren

the next best house/car

the next best education/degree

the next best vacation

the next best church

the next best meal

the next best hobby

the next best church function

the next best Facebook status

the next best blog post

the next best __________

the next best __________

the next best __________

We know all of this about each other, but we wouldn't dare show any signs of weakness or vulnerability because of the straight up insecurities this fallen world has put on us. It makes me wonder- who is the person responsible for setting these unreachable bars? I know Satan rules over this chaotic world, but who does he use to put such stupid ideas in our heads? It's not right. None of this is right.
I know this world is fallen. I know this world is cursed. Look at how we age... it is the weirdest thing ever. The fact that a body can come into this world so new and fresh, and then literally waste away until this earthly life is no more. A baby turns into my Pawpaw. "We are cursed," responded Michael in the waiting room a few days ago as we were waiting to hear back from the doctors who, at the time, were operating on my Pawpaw. We were talking about how crazy aging is... and his response could not have been more accurate. The world is fallen and the curse has won and will continue to win until God says otherwise.
So come on, Mawmaw. My pessimistic mind is loaded. Give me something.
Mawmaw- "You know? I think I would have to say blessed."
Excuse me?
Mawmaw- "Blessed. Life is what it is and sure we've had many sicknesses and hard times, but God has always seen us through them. God has been good to us."
I don't know if I was happier to know she is so satisfied with life that she could sum the whole shabang up with "blessed," or if I was more relieved to hear such honest words coming from the mouth of a 74 year old who has been through much of what life dishes out.
Blessed.
What is wrong with me? I have been in such a tizzy the past two months trying to make it/keep my head above water/survive "life" no matter what it brings. Friendships or no friendships. Children or no children. Health or no health. Organization or no organization. Rest or no rest. Schedule or no schedule. Honesty from others or no honesty. Comments/opinions/judgments from others or none of that. Support/encouragement or no support/encouragement. I get thanking God in all circumstances, right?
Why couldn't I have thought of the word blessed?
I don't know if Mawmaw realizes it or not, but her take on life this evening gave me a huge shove into HIS world once again. Not this one that I've been looking at. God has been good to us. No matter what anyone else says, doesn't say, does, or doesn't do... No matter if tomorrow brings a complete downpour of rain... No matter if God uses us to change the world or not... God is still God.
Despite how distracted I believe we are and how much we make of ourselves, I know that His children are to make much of God! Instead of zeroing inward at how all of these events and people are effecting ME and seeing mostly the negative and clinging to the "good ole days" when I was younger and so completely nieve to the hurt around me and wishing life was different and missing out on the true joy the LORD is within me, my chin is once again lifted. My eyes are once again on Him.

No matter what, Lord. I will not give up. Though I grow weary, your love sustains. Though I fail, you succeed. Though I lose, you win. Whatever it takes. I will follow. You are good.

And when I again lose sight of God and His perfect purity and hope, I pray the Lord uses another small conversation like the one I had tonight with my Mawmaw to bring my gaze back to His.
Thank you, Mawmaw. I love you more than I could ever explain to you.

My Children- Part III

     So this is us. This is our little 3 person family in Haiti that has the potential to grow in members. A 23 (almost 24) year-old girl, a 2 year-old girl and a 2 (almost 3) month-old boy. A family joined together because of God and only God. A family who will only stay together because of God. A family that has no clue what tomorrow or the next day will bring, but will trust, praise and serve the Lord come what may.
     Adoption is not an option for me at this point because I do not meet the age requirement Haiti has for their adopting parents- 35 years. Therefore, I am not legally Elijah and Sandra's Mommy. Sophonie, their birth Mother, has fully given them to me- though no official papers have been signed.

Although nothing is written to make them my children, they are my children because GOD made them my children. He has entrusted them to me and has orchestrated this entire story. 

     And this story is not over. Jesus has been and continues to be so good to us. He loves His children more than I can pretend to understand, and He honors their obedience. By the power of the Spirit within me I have obeyed God in taking in these two children and I will obey Him again if and when He entrusts me with more. Though none of my children have a good chance of ever making it to the United States, the States is not the goal here. The goal is to love. The goal is to teach them to love- the same way Christ did. The goal is to be the light in this dark country. The goal is Jesus.

     Because we live at an orphanage, the children's basic needs are cared for on a daily basis. They have food to eat, a place to sleep and even toys to play with. I have hired a Haitian Nanny- Michelle- to care for them during the day so I can serve the other beautiful children here in the classroom. She has a child of her own and a husband back at her home. Most of her monthly pay from me will be given to her family to support them. Michelle is so good with my kids and I am so thankful for that. She is daily learning different tasks to better care for them and she is willing to give them the best care that she can. In all of this, we need your support.

     Please join me in praying for my family. Your prayers are what have moved and what will continue moving us forward. No matter how crazy this story sounds our how ridiculous it is to anyone, the Lord has been good to us and will continue meeting our needs. I look up to Him for my strength and understanding. He is a father to the fatherless and I will continue spreading His news until this life is no more. 

Isaiah 54:1-5

“If you love me, keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them."

John 14:15-21

 “Can a mother forget her nursing child 
   and have no compassion on the child she has borne? 
Though she may forget, 
   I will not forget you! 
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; 
   your walls are ever before me."

Isaiah 49:15-16