I love you, Mom.

When I think about you, there is more that comes to my mind and heart than just your face. I remember your scent. Your voice. Your smile. Your laughter. The way your fingers tap the steering wheel to the beat of the radio when driving down the road. Your cough that I could recognize even if you were on the other side of the grocery store. Your home cooked meals that you spend hours and even days preparing for your family members. Your selflessness. The fact that you CANNOT get a pedicure without laughing to the point of tears because your feet are so ticklish. The way you begin Christmas shopping for your family and employees ahead of time and even have an organized system for getting all of the gifts wrapped and stacked into their separate piles for the different gatherings and celebrations. The way you take part in some of Dad's hobbies for no other reason than just because you love him. Your Kleenex packets/boxes you always need nearby because you are tenderhearted and can offer up tears of happiness or sorrow at any given point for your friends and even complete strangers. Your love for your children and grandchildren. The dedication you have for your job, coworkers and employees. The fact that you are really funny and enjoy having a good time. The way you help Dad mow the grass (you know... he takes the back yard and you take the front...). Your slippers that you love so much. How insanely fast you are at using a calculator and how good you are at working with any form of numbers. The way you send me email updates on some of our favorite shows because I don't have cable here in Haiti to watch them. The way you love shopping with us just to have a girl's day. How your side cramps up really bad when you laugh really hard sometimes- then you have to stretch it out, which makes us laugh even more. The way you still talk about Jason when he was a little boy and how y'all would take naps for hours before Emily was born.  The way you always sneakily throw in how your feet are so sore in hopes for a really awesome foot massage from me ;) The way you ALWAYS have milk and oreos and creme brule creamer stocked for me when I come home for a visit.

I love you, Mom.

Even still... more than those thoughts cross my mind when I think of you.
You were surprised when you found out you were pregnant with me. Tough times were happening and even more were ahead during your pregnancy with me, and adding another baby to the mix was going to pile more on your already overloaded plate. Yet, your love and dedication allowed you to persevere and keep going. The Lord surrounded you with great friends and even better parents (Pawpaw and Mawmaw of course) to get us through. You were and are so strong. Unbelievably strong. I always have been and always will be inspired by your strength. The strength of any mother is indeed impressive. The strength of MY mother, you, is even more mind boggling. Sometimes when I am struggling to get through the day, I think of you and am encouraged to keep going. I have always seen you keep going. Even when you were/are tired, alone, scared, frustrated or misunderstood. I love that about you.

I love you, Mom.

When I think of you, I remember how you were and are ALWAYS there for me. You and Dad were at EVERY football/basketball game I cheered at. Every show choir performance. Every fundraiser. Every JE Ball.  Any and every school/church/anyotherclubororganizationIwasinvolvedin related performances and gatherings. You came and visited me throughout college and always showed your support through phone calls if you couldn't physically be there.

I love you, Mom.

Every heart break of mine from a friend or a boy or a complete stranger was felt by you also. Anytime I needed to talk, you were and still are not only willing to listen but are even interested in what I have to say. You understand me better than I understand myself many times, and even when you don't quite understand me, you support me. You correct me and encourage me when I am wrong, and are ready to applaud me when I am right.

I love you, Mom.

You don't have to tell me you love me, though you do so many times and I am so grateful for that, because you SHOW me in tons of ways. I have never doubted your love. Never questioned it. Not once.

I love you, Mom.

Your hugs are the best hugs in the entire world. Your sweet kisses on the cheek before bedtime ALWAYS bring the little girl out in me. You still let me sit on your lap too, which is pretty cool if I do say so myself.
You have always done anything and everything you could to make sure I had (all of us had) what I not only needed, but wanted. You and Dad have always given so much for your children and there is no way that could go unseen. Even when money was scarce, I still remember how you would try your best to get what was needed and wanted. Thank you for that.

I love you, Mom.

Now that I am a Mom myself, I see your love for me more clearly and I love you so much deeper than I thought was possible. I sometimes cry holding Elijah knowing that you once did this with me. 

I love you, Mom.

Your love was and still is the most sacrificial love of all- the most dedicated earthly love I have ever known. You have shown me how to love and love deeply. I pray my children see the love in me that I saw and still see in you.

I love you, Mom.

There is so much more I want to say. But let me end with this... I love you so much. You have completed me in so many ways throughout the years. Thank you for being my Mom. I would not have it any other way. 

Happy Mother's Day!

I love you, Mom.

I wish I could tell you...

I wish I could tell you right now that I am happy to be in Haiti. That my life is complete and that I have found my calling. That being a mommy is the best and that I don't get tired of my child who I sometimes feel requires too much of me. That I didn't spend 30 minutes in the shower this evening crying my eyes out frustrated at God for calling me to be here (the water wasn't running the whole time...btw). That I didn't spend another ten minutes after that crying in Creole to two of our Madams here. That the people I live and work with feel like family and this place feels like home. That I am a great teacher and I know exactly what I am doing. That I don't want to pack up and head back to the states for the last time, get a real teaching job and be in driving distance to anything and anyone I love and enjoy. That I am a great missionary full of complete compassion for the people group I am serving. That I have the patience and grace of Mother Teresa and the endurance and dedication of Katie Davis. That when my Mom tells me to "just come home" I don't think twice about it. That keeping up with and organizing Americans' trips to OLTCH doesn't stress me out a little bit. That I don't look at my son, Elijah, and become scared thinking I may be a single mother raising him for the rest of his life. That when someone asks me if he is really mine I don't want to grab their throat (for emphasis of course) and ask them do they feel like their child/ren is really theirs? That my room is not covered in wet laundry because it is rainy season and my clean clothes won't dry anywhere else. That I like living with moths, ants, roaches, flies and some other strange bug that has suddenly made its appearance in the past few days. That I am not tired of living in dirt and mud. That I don't get sick of showering in cold water. That I can keep my razor and shower stuff in the shower because no one else in the orphanage will use it. That I enjoy getting stomach bugs every other month. That I am not selfish and full of insecurities. That I can travel to the states again in June and actually bring my child with me. That my attempt at even doing this by applying for his passport and visa is encouraged and smiled upon instead of laughed at like God could never make that happen. That my daughter, Sandra, is home with me instead of wherever her birth mom has her on this rainy night. That I am not terrified of the thought of having two small children again on my own if Sophonie ever does honestly decide to bring Sandra back to me. That I don't think quite often what it would be like to just sit and talk to my family anytime I or they want. That I don't compare myself to other missionaries. That I always see God's hand in all that is happening here. That I even always look for His hand in all that is happening here. That I don't wish a therapist or counselor would move to the same compound as me and give me free sessions (I will most definitely take up any offers of that, however). That I enjoy typing all of these personal thoughts here on my blog for all to read.
I wish I could say all of these things, but I can't. I wish more than anything that I could type this blog post and have it be filled with encouraging words and some wonderful event that has happened in Haiti for every reader whose eyes meet this.
What I am perfectly content with, however, is being real. And here... what you read is what you get. I could say all of the perfect words and use the perfect scripture to draw tears and smiles to encourage. But I won't. Not in this post. Because, friend... I need the encouragement right now. And I won't pretend or type like I don't.

Remind me of Your holiness.

Remind me why I'm here.

Remind me of Your tenderness.

Remind me to never fear.

Remind me of the bigger picture.

Remind me of those You love.

Remind me of Your thoughts and Your view from above.

Let me lie at Your feet, naked and unashamed.

Let me bathe in Your presence, and cry at the sound of Your name.

Keep me where You are, I never want to stray.

Keep me in Your arms until my dying day.

May I then walk in Your presence, perfect and complete

Singing Your praises forever.

Face to face- that I seek.