Thursday, October 20, 2011

If Only

If only I could bare my heart and soul to you, reader- whoever you may be.
If I could simply find the guts to begin typing the very questions and truths making their way in and around my veins this day and every day. If only I were that transparent.
I used to be transparent. My best friend always referred to me as the open book, always ready to share anything and everything about myself. She was right. I loved sharing. Loved it.
That was my purpose in creating this blog- to share and journal my life and everything about it in Haiti. My thoughts and experiences so that others could be encouraged. Motivated. Somehow inspired.
Somewhere between the creation of this blog, seeing injured and even dead bodies on the side of these Haitian roads, holding orphans with little or nothing to their names, being infected with the mumps, living in the midst of hopelessness and poverty in every direction, and making plans to be home for the holidays complete with gourmet meals and family/friend time, I want to do anything but post on here. I can't seem to digest anything the Lord has been teaching me, at least not enough to share it with you. The last 23 years of my life are awkwardly colliding with my present life and it has literally brought me to a place where I seem to be incapable of discussing or making any sense of it for anyone else to understand.
The day to day lessons I am learning are for me and only me. No one else is in this season of my life and it is a calling God has given ME to carry out and walk with Him.
All of the dreams I had are up in the air and if someone were to ask me what I wanted to do with my life, I could not give an answer even if my very life depended on it. Marriage? Children? Traveling? Teacher of the Year? Grad school? Adoption? Foster care? Open an orphanage? I don't have a clue what I want. I can't see as far as tomorrow or identify any desire or emotion in me.
If only I could find it in me to type everything up to share it with you. Be transparent. The open book that I am.
One day I will again be able to post and even be extremely specific about all God is doing and showing.
But, not today. Today I blindly walk into tomorrow. And I am okay with that, for He holds my today and tomorrow.


  1. Wow. I am speechless after reading this blog. I can't even begin to form words to type in response to this. I am so glad the Lord is teaching you beautiful things and I anxiously await the day when you are able to share them with me. I could not be more proud to call you my sister. Love you VERY much.

  2. Laura,
    I can echo your thoughts so well. Believe it or not there are others who "get it" and also feel all lone. Last week I held a baby as she died of AIDS and then sat down to answer emails about stupid crap and I just wanted to scream! Does anyone understand!?!?! Could we please meet for a coke or something this week. I am always sure to be inside my gate by 6pm so mabye something in the afternoon. Or are you allowed overnights? I would love to have you for a girls night and some time for sharing it all. Give me a call! 31646289