If Only

If only I could bare my heart and soul to you, reader- whoever you may be.
If I could simply find the guts to begin typing the very questions and truths making their way in and around my veins this day and every day. If only I were that transparent.
I used to be transparent. My best friend always referred to me as the open book, always ready to share anything and everything about myself. She was right. I loved sharing. Loved it.
That was my purpose in creating this blog- to share and journal my life and everything about it in Haiti. My thoughts and experiences so that others could be encouraged. Motivated. Somehow inspired.
Somewhere between the creation of this blog, seeing injured and even dead bodies on the side of these Haitian roads, holding orphans with little or nothing to their names, being infected with the mumps, living in the midst of hopelessness and poverty in every direction, and making plans to be home for the holidays complete with gourmet meals and family/friend time, I want to do anything but post on here. I can't seem to digest anything the Lord has been teaching me, at least not enough to share it with you. The last 23 years of my life are awkwardly colliding with my present life and it has literally brought me to a place where I seem to be incapable of discussing or making any sense of it for anyone else to understand.
The day to day lessons I am learning are for me and only me. No one else is in this season of my life and it is a calling God has given ME to carry out and walk with Him.
All of the dreams I had are up in the air and if someone were to ask me what I wanted to do with my life, I could not give an answer even if my very life depended on it. Marriage? Children? Traveling? Teacher of the Year? Grad school? Adoption? Foster care? Open an orphanage? I don't have a clue what I want. I can't see as far as tomorrow or identify any desire or emotion in me.
If only I could find it in me to type everything up to share it with you. Be transparent. The open book that I am.
One day I will again be able to post and even be extremely specific about all God is doing and showing.
But, not today. Today I blindly walk into tomorrow. And I am okay with that, for He holds my today and tomorrow.

Our days are numbered...

I can't get over how many days have past since I first came to Haiti. Every day in class we add another number to our calendar. The kids count the numbers and practice saying their numbers correctly in English. To them, we are learning to count the number of days in September, now October. To me, each number signifies one more day. One more day we have to serve. One more day to learn. One more day to love.
One more day.
Today is the last day in September. Time has gone by so fast. Each day seems so long- we sweat and seem to be constantly restoring fluids to our bodies with waters and juices. We bandage scrapes and scratches, clean up vomit, give medicine, discipline children, sing songs, play games, sound out words, make animal noises and classify the sounds we make, sigh, wipe our sweat and keep going- praying with every step we take. Most days seem to crawl by. But today, as I added the number 30 to our calendar, the days didn't seem so long anymore. Our days are numbered and I am moved now more than ever to make the most of every single God given one. These children will not be with me much longer. Their adoptions will go through and they will finally be home with their adoptive families. Then, the educational concepts and skills I have taught them will somewhat matter, but what will matter more is the impact I have made on them through eternal eyes. How did I love them? How did I dedicate myself to teaching them every day? How did I show them to love one another? Did I bring joy to their lives and each day encourage them to live a life of holiness?
Only God will know that. So today and every day- hour by hour, moment by moment- I commit to God what is already His. Though we experience troubles and problems surround us, we hold fast to Yahweh, whom has ultimate authority over all creation.
Teach us to number our days. We bow at Your feet and submit all we are to you. Holy Holy Holy are you Lord!

"So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

Yes, establish the work of our hands!"

Psalm 90:12-17